RMCP: Deadline Day Special : Jack’s the Lad

Just as the Sailor’s Hornpipe wells up to crescendo amidst scurrilous scurls of bicycle horns and stomping feet, so Jack Wilshire’s career seems to have been the banal span of years, punctuated by comedic outbursts and mistimed calamities, between first team debut and this, his greatest moment: His day of relevance, long delayed, as Deadline Day Man.

Yeah, indeed Jack has finally achieved a kind of importance in the mind of the English fan that he had hitherto only dreamt of attaining: People are wishing him well and genuinely hoping he plays well, for the good of the national team.

Actually that’s a lie, as far as I can tell they’re just all having a ball as they taunt Howe and co about his injury record, but as far as I am concerned, and I as omnipotent author of this missive am of course the most relevant being in the universe, I see this move to Bournemouth as a chance for genuine catharsis on the part of liddle Jack’o, a player I openly despise, a chance for him to finally be a relevant member of a team and hopefully fulfil his initial promise and perhaps promise a little bit more, and above all else a thoroughly exciting embodiment of a deadline day transfer done right.

Here we get to the gist of my post: Why I like Transfer Deadline Days, and why I think this year coughed up an especially good ‘un.

Perhaps it is because of Football Manager, but for me the transfer window is a time best utilised in the pursuit of radical financial abandon – unimaginably over-qualified players become available for 3M pounds and suddenly you’ve got Paul Dybala playing for Leeds in 2017-18. Of course, any serious pundit will recognise the supremacy of Mourinho’s surgical-strike squad tampering at the outset of the window, or the worryingly large raft of apparently shrewd purchases by Jurgen Klopp (only time will tell on these ones), but how can you beat the selection of reality-trumping transfers that accosted us on the final day of the window?

Here are a selection of some flava faves of mine:

David Luiz – 34M Pounds, PSG > Chelsea

Let’s kick it off with an obvious one, shall we? How bloody awesome is this? The most pants defender in the approximately top echelons of the world game today, one thought that it was only the cash-rich Ligue 1 tyrants of PSG who would be stupid enough to give this guy consistent first team time but, in a move that reminds me personally of a certain calamitous over-estimation by Brendan Rogers of his ability to tame and shape one Mario Balotelli, Antionio Conte reckons he can turn Sideshow Buttface here into a legitimate footballer. LOL!

Mario Balotelli – FREE,  Liverpool > Nice

Speak of the devil, arguably the single worst professional in the world of football, Mario ‘Why Always Bucket?” Balotelli was GIVEN to OGC Nice in the French Ligue 1 (a league that makes Hatem Ben Arfa look like the heir to Messi, go figure) Isn’t this just a wonderful slice of deadline day pie? A spectre who had been stinking up the back roads of the EPL for the past few years has suddenly vaporised, shipped off to some French club (watch ur beachwear choices, Mario), his astronomical wages at least partially removed from the books at the EPL giants and his ugly mug finally excised from the considerations of a good man who is just trying to do his Resurrection job: one Jesus H. Klopp.

Jeff Hendrick – 10.5M Pounds, Derby > Burnley

It had to happen this way, didn’t it. When Hendrick looked like an athletic version of Dmitri Payet at the Euro 2016 tournament, a quick search to ascertain who the heck this guy was revealed a vicious drunken assault he dealt out to some poor geezer a few years back in Ireland, and it is thanks to the bad karma generated by this despicable incident that his seemingly inevitable move to the EPL was withheld until the later half of Deadline Day, a situation which will finally have us seeing if he is any good in the EPL while also putting an acceptable amount of bedding in stress on his thuggish self. Justice. I love DDDay.

Samir Nasri, Wilfried Bony, Joe Hart – LOAN, Man City > Anywhere

Oh isn’t this just awesome. I have personally long since detested two of the three players involved in this wonderful boon: the exporting of two of the biggest assholes on English soil to far off lands of sun and debilitating organised crime, and the potential revitalisation of a legitimately gifted striker in Wilfried Bony, to boot. I’ve liked Bony ever since he unexpectedly sent my randomly selected Vitesse side to the top of the Eredivisie in FM12 (or something), and his performances for Swansea confirmed this digital promise: Man City was never going to be the place for him, just as it was never going to be the place for any pseudo-established talent until Guardiola took over, and his move to Stoke should benefit like every party on the planet.

Jack Wilshire – LOAN, Arsenal > Bournemouth

Finishing on the high, we come full circle to the transfer that sparked this wave of appreciation for this topsy-turvy day: Jack Wilshire’s final grasp for cajones. Er, that is, his cajones, not the cajones of a goat whose twist he wishes to smoke, or the cajones of a drunken foreign adventure on some distant beach (one almost wishes that were the case, though, after the indiscretions of three Leicester FC players and their subsequent sacking sparked a championship season for the Foxes and what gooner wouldn’t like somadat?). Anyway the point is Jack’s finally tried to make something of himself, finally swallowed his small-man-syndrome stubborn pride, and in doing it on the last day of the transfer window to one of the last clubs you might have expected, and in giving two distinct doses of hope to gunners fans – a season without him stuffing up attacks every time he is on the pitch may also, after all, be a season in which he grows into a decent imitation of Gazza – Jack Wilshire has donned the cloak and bikini of DEADLINE DAY MAN. 

God be praised! *tongue in cheek monty python reference*

-Richard M

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